The Ugly Truth About Stephenie Meyer

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The Ugly Truth About Stephenie Meyer

Post  Rayne on Wed Jul 29, 2009 7:59 am

Stephenie Meyer
This is an article about an incompetent Mormon writer. For an article about a brilliant Jewish statesman see Henry Kissinger.

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Stephenie Meyer.


Stephenie Meyer is an overweight, sexually unsatisfied mormon housewife whose brain has been dissolved by years of easy living, childbirth, cooking, cleaning and rearing kids. She came to fame after publishing her first novel, Twilight, which is really literary porn for young girls. Since then, she has continued churning out crap, and she is the only reason why teenage girls still know where the bookshops are in their hometowns.

Birth

When she was squeezed through her mother's vagina she was glad to leave it for somewhere more private. During when her head was squished by her mother, Stephanie Meyer suffered severe mental retardation. Sadly, her mother died. A postmortem revealed that her mother was infact a duck. Distraught that her aquatic mother was no more, Stephanie went into depression and ate nothing but old discarded laser printers.

Early Life

Stephenie Meyer grew up in a family with five siblings - most of whom have appeared in her books at some point. She includes them as characters in her books because inventing new characters would take too long. She received a B.A. in English from Bringham Young University in Provo, Utah, by sleeping with the professors. This was, of course, back when she was not a whale.
Stephenie's early life was fairly uneventful. However, she has suffered of dendrophobia, a phobia of trees, for most of her life.

Career as a 'Writer'

Stephenie Meyer began to work as a writer as part of her plot to waste the world's dwindling resources of trees. She is very anti-tree in general. Psychologists have deduced that it is possible that she either fell out of a tree or was attacked by one as a child.
As an added bonus to her original purpose, Meyer found she actually quite liked writing. The success of her books with borderline illiterates provided her with an ego-boost so huge that it was listed in the Guiness World Book of Records and reported on Fox News. Her ego has been growing steadily ever since, and on the 4th January 2009, astronauts in the International Space Station phoned to tell us the ego itself could now be seen from space. She quickly began comparing her books to classics such as Wuthering Heights and Romeo and Juliet, saying she was "inspired" by them, when really she meant to say that she ripped off their plots and then pretended to be better than them.
Stephenie's crowning achievement as a writer was to write books for people that don't like books (including vampire books for people who don't like vampires, and science fiction books for people who don't like science fiction). It is believed she will soon begin writing erotica for people who don't like erotica. What form this will take is unknown, but it is speculated that there will be no sex or sexual references, and a lot of Mormon propaganda.

Personal Life

Meyer lives with her sexually unskilled husband Christian in Mormonville, Utah, where she is a housewife and regularly creates new baby Mormons, as is typical and expected of all Mormon women. She is known to be highly critical of Greenpeace, and believes charities don't deserve her money. Meyer is quite proud of the fact that she has produced three male children and no females, as male children are of course infinitely more valuable. She shows this in Breaking Dawn, when her protagonist gives birth to a baby girl, and, disappointed, curses her with the cruel bully-worthy name of Renesmee. Some of Meyer's more controversial ambitions are to rid the world of all forests and to eat all the world's food.

Twilight

Twilight was Stephenie Meyer's first novel and the first installation in her first series. She has admitted more than enough times in interviews that the idea came to her when she was having a wet dream. Of course, Meyer being a Mormon woman, she did not orgasm. However, Meyer has done some good, as the series has provided material that has helped other people have orgasms, particularly girls with less than average IQs in the 8-10 age range.
The plot of Twilight is as follows: A beautiful, stupid girl who believes she is both ugly and smart moves to a new school where she meets a vampire who glitters all sparkly in the sunlight. I'm afraid this is funny because it's true.

New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn

The sequels to Twilight are New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn respectively. It has been agreed that each is worse than the last. Breaking Dawn was rejected by a lot of fans, who became irritated when Meyer tried to include a plot. One fan of the Twilight series said, "OmE!!!(Oh my Edward)!!Wat i opend the book n lyk stuff happnd inside n i was lyk ome dis is awfull!!!It was all just them doin stuff n stuff happenin and bella n edward never got 2 sit n jus say romantic stuff 2 eachother!!!!Ther were lyk no sparklezz! An there was a baby!!! An it will sparkle 2!!!"

The Host

The Host is Meyer's pathetic attempt at writing for her own age-group. Of course, Meyer tried to write Twilight for her own age group, but the standard of writing was so low that it would not have sold. The standard of writing in the Host is not much better, but it is about adult characters, making it hazily viable as an adult book.

Midnight Sun

At some point around June 2008, Stephenie Meyer decided to really test the limits of her fans' stupidity and see if she could sell them a book they already owned under a different name. This book was to be called Midnight Sun. It was the same story as Twilight, but it was intended that the Twitards would be distracted enough by Edward's sparklezz that they would not notice. It seemed this plan was indeed going to achieve Stephenie Meyer's two goals: a) to make more money and b) to waste more trees.
Unfortunately, somebody leaked a draft of Midnight Sun onto the internet. Stephenie Meyer then claimed that she was not going to continue with the book because having it leaked put her in a bad mood. What she did not explain was that it put her in a bad mood because the writing in this draft was just as horrific as in her published books, proving that she does not revise or edit or even check the grammar of any of her books before sending them to print.

Present day life

Stephenie Meyer is currently churning out as much crap as possible in as little time as possible in the hopes of making more money. She writes at home, but her publisher stands beside her computer, taking the print-off of every page of a book as it is written, and then arranging them into a book and sending them straight to print. Meyer does not need to spell-check because none of her fans can spell anyway. Stephenie Meyer only puts pictures of herself back when she was not a whale into her books, because she is embarrassed about being an author who is not thin, but only writes about thin people.

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Re: The Ugly Truth About Stephenie Meyer

Post  chibakutensei47 on Wed Jul 29, 2009 8:23 am

astig talaga ng uncyclopedia
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Re: The Ugly Truth About Stephenie Meyer

Post  Rayne on Wed Jul 29, 2009 8:24 am

Super korek to! Very Happy

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Set credits to the awesomest me!

Just a boy, just an ordinary boy,
BUT HE WOULD LOOK INTO THE SKY...

Ichigo has always been the man closest to my heart. &lt;3

I'm a fan of:
IchiHime | UlquiHime | HichiHime | Ichigo | Orihime | Ulquiorra | Hichigo |

"If I loved you, would you hold it against me???"

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Re: The Ugly Truth About Stephenie Meyer

Post  miyoko_kato on Mon Oct 19, 2009 2:22 pm

nakakainis!!!!!!! bkit ndi na itutuloy ang midnight sun??? wla na kuhng pagtitripan...... haix,,,, sooo hate stephenie!!!!!!!!!!!!!

aS in OME!!!!!!!!!! (hek hek) [sorry joy~!] scratch
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Re: The Ugly Truth About Stephenie Meyer

Post  Rayne on Fri Oct 23, 2009 11:18 pm

miyoko_kato wrote:nakakainis!!!!!!! bkit ndi na itutuloy ang midnight sun??? wla na kuhng pagtitripan...... haix,,,, sooo hate stephenie!!!!!!!!!!!!!

aS in OME!!!!!!!!!! (hek hek) [sorry joy~!] scratch

Eh tang ina talaga yun eh

_________________



Set credits to the awesomest me!

Just a boy, just an ordinary boy,
BUT HE WOULD LOOK INTO THE SKY...

Ichigo has always been the man closest to my heart. &lt;3

I'm a fan of:
IchiHime | UlquiHime | HichiHime | Ichigo | Orihime | Ulquiorra | Hichigo |

"If I loved you, would you hold it against me???"

avatar
Rayne
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Re: The Ugly Truth About Stephenie Meyer

Post  Rayne on Fri Nov 13, 2009 7:03 am

You have to watch this guys:
TAINTLIGHT

Summary:

Riding the lofty coattails of the international tween sensation, TAINTLIGHT is the tale of Stella, a young girl who falls in love with an ancient, beautifully-behaired bloodsucker named Edgar. They struggle to stay together in the midst of vampire carnage, but a love triangle bubbles up when a Michael Jackson-loving werewolf named Jack comes forward professing his own love for Stella. Meanwhile, a rival group of "real" vampires led by the evil Razor McBleed are on the prowl, looking to put...

Enjoy.. Very Happy

_________________



Set credits to the awesomest me!

Just a boy, just an ordinary boy,
BUT HE WOULD LOOK INTO THE SKY...

Ichigo has always been the man closest to my heart. &lt;3

I'm a fan of:
IchiHime | UlquiHime | HichiHime | Ichigo | Orihime | Ulquiorra | Hichigo |

"If I loved you, would you hold it against me???"

avatar
Rayne
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Join date : 2009-07-20
Age : 217
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